I don't know what's gotten into me. After I spilled my 10+1 secrets a couple of weeks ago, I realised that not only I am no longer afraid of being a little more personal with my posts, but I indeed NEED to. Of course, there's a valid reason for it...it's not like I really have someone to talk to in real life. I managed to go from lonely child to lonely teen to equally lonely middle aged woman with zero friends - especially the kind of friends you REALLY talk to, the ones who know your real self and your deepest thoughts, the ones whom you can bare your soul to and who bare theirs to you. On a level it's a relief, because I've never been that good at the sharing-everything game - which, of course, it's one of the reasons why I've never had THAT kind of friends in the first place. I am, essentially, a very private person...at least when it comes to certain sensitive matters. What happens at home stays at home - especially if it involves, say, your family or your significant other. I can't allow myself to talk about things that implicate someone else than me. I've never been the kind of girl who goes to the bathroom with her pairs (um, gross?). I've never been one to follow trends or - goodness forbid - to CONFORM. And apparently, I haven't had much luck with finding kindred spirits. This is why, for all purposes, I've been friendless all my life.
Now, I have to say that, in all this, music and books have always been my saviors. Of course, it was not the same as having flesh-and-blood companions, but at least I knew that I wasn't alone thinking and feeling certain things. Later in my life (much later...I was already past my 30s), I discovered the World Wide Web, first with a Fame message board (which, sadly, is not active anymore), then with other short-lived adventures that, for a while, allowed me to connect with a handful of like-minded people (at least when certain topics were involved). I used to have a Queen message board and a Queen-devoted MySpace (...remember MySpace?), but I soon realised I wasn't going anywhere with them because 1) there were too many Queen places around the net already and 2) you need a strong following of friends for any kind of site to take off. Also, I don't know...looking back at it, I suppose I wasn't ready to fight for them - or I didn't know how. Or they weren't projects that would allow me to espress my creativity and uniqueness to the extent I needed them to. (Note: when I use the word "uniqueness", I'm not trying to say I'm a special snowflake. Each and every one of us has the potential to be unique, and a right to let the world know they are. All things considered, I probably was just weirder than your average human...and still am LOL).
In the meantime, I had started reading a few YA novels. Most of you probably know I blame Christopher Pike for that ;D. I stumbled upon his book Remember Me and decided that the blurb was too intriguing not to try it...then I found out it had two sequels...while I had already bought a couple of additional titles of his, Last Act and Weekend. And I began to actively search for more books in the field, because what's a lonely old girl to do, other than vicariously living all the teen adventures she never got to live and then some? ;D So, for a long while, this was my secret guilty pleasure...till one day I discovered Goodreads AND the wonderful realm of book blogging...and the rest is history.
I've been blogging for almost four years by now. And I'm NOT successful, just like I wasn't when running Queen messages boards and MySpaces. But here's the catch - someone actually LISTENS to me this time. And replies. And shares some. And what's more important, while I'm doing what I do - for just one person or for one thousand, I don't care - I feel ALIVE. I feel like I've found a niche that allows me to be that creative, unique self who was desperately searching for a way out. And I owe it to a bunch of wonderful people who make a point of reading my posts, commenting on them, writing their own posts that I can enjoy and comment on myself, tweeting and retweeting, teasing me with Supernatural gifs, complimenting me on something I've written, not caring if I'm fifteen or fifty. And I also owe it to a few generous writers who took a chance on me and sent me their books to review, or - apparently - took a liking to me after I reviewed their books...I mean, to the person behind the reviewer...and have manifested such liking both by commenting on some post of mine and by saying nice things in emails and private messages. Now, I know some things are said out of kindness (and I'm talking about both blog buddies and authors here), but as a person who has been feeding on words all her life, I'm pretty sure I can tell when people are "just" being kind (which still means they chose to show that they care somehow) and when they feel compelled to let you know that you have done something for them. As in, made them smile, think, feel. And it's a wonderful thing that can sustain a hungry soul for days. So, this post is for all of you, to let you know that when I'm tossing and turning in my bed because my life sucks and I feel small and deflated, I have the chance of thinking of you and feeling a little better for a while. You blog buddies who pay me a compliment, or simply attention to something I've written; you authors who go out of your way to let me know that you appreciate my thoughts or my dedication NOT necessarily because I gave your books 5 or 4 stars. You know who you are - and I just wanted you to know that my life is a complicated, often hopeless mess, and that all of you shine a little light on it and help me make it through the day...and the night even. So, basically...
YOU ARE AWESOME
AND I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU