February 16, 2021

2021, I Hate You Already (+ a Reading, Blogging and Failing-at-Stuff Update)

πŸ’š Hello sweeties,

so, as I promised, here's the recap of my recent health issues, plus a reading/blogging update, because I've been...erratic in my blogging lately (not when it comes to consistency, but absolutely so when it comes to content), and I wanted you to know why. I'm also adding a small life update (non health-related) for good measure. Sorry if you have already read my previous posts (or tweets) about my health debacle and you'll hear the same story twice (sometimes with the very same words, because I don't feel like writing everything down from scratch). Here goes...

On December 31st (because I have good timing), I develop an ache under my right shoulder blade. At first an anti-inflammatory med seems to keep it at bay, but then it comes back with a vengeance - it hurts like hell to breath. At the E.R., they give me some paracetamol and do bloodwork, an EKG and an x-ray. They do see a shadow of sorts where my 5th rib is, but since in the meantime the pain has receded a bit, they send me home advising me to get a CAT scan. Knowing what I know now, I can't believe they patched me home like that without doing the scan themselves...


On Jan 4th, I have the most horrible experience. After dinner, I suddenly develop fever symptoms and start shaking so badly that I take some paracetamol and go straight to bed without even checking my temp, because I'm feeling so awful I can't even get to my thermometer - let alone handle it. I'm shaking like a house in a earthquake and my teeth are clattering. After a while, the med kicks in, and I start feeling like a human being again. It's then that I finally manage to check my temp, and it's at 38°C...that is, 100°F. So, it must have been at least at 40 (104) before. Of course I start to worry about the damned Covid, because that's what you do. Anyhow, my temp keeps lowering, and by the hour I go to sleep it's at 36℃ (96.800℉). (For the record: my doctor will request a Covid swap later, that thankfully will come out negative. To date, the reason for the fever spike is still unknown).

On Jan 7th, I'm finally able to go to my doctor's (it's taken so long because getting an appointment has become increasingly tricky lately, what with the Covid situation - plus January 6th is a national holiday), and she requests the CAT scan. I go in on January 18th (if you wish, I can explain to you how our sanitary system works...or doesn't work...but I'll stick to the most important facts for now. Let's just say, I'm lucky that my husband works as a switchboard operator for the local hospital and can ask a favour or two when push comes to shove, or I would have had to travel to another hospital more than 50 miles away to get a simple scan, because ours has been working at limited capacity for a while now). Less than an hour after the exam, the doctor in charge calls me to say he saw the remainders of a pulmonary embolism, and advises me to go back to the E.R. that very afternoon for further exams. After those, the E.R. doctor (a different one than the asshole who wasn't able to recognise my problem on the 31st) says I'm in good shape and at very low risk, but orders yet more exams to identify the cause of my embolism (a doppler ultrasound and a cardiologic visit among them), and sends me home with blood thinners (shots), antibiotics and cortisone.

On January 26th, I take the doppler, which points out a deep vein thrombosis in my left leg - the reason for my embolism. I then recall that, a few weeks before, I had a funny ache in that very leg, which I dismissed as a muscle strain, because what do I know. It only lasted for 3 or 4 days anyway, and my leg wasn't swollen or anything...However, the doctor who performed the doppler refers me to the E.R. doctor who saw me on the 18th, who orders more exams and gives me different, specific blood thinners (pills), which I'm supposed to take for a whole year. I go back to the E.R. the night after for more tests, and the very next day I get a second EKG and an echocardiogram, which luckily show I have a normally-functioning heart.

I have new bloodwork on February 4th, to rule out tumor markers. The test comes back negative - if you don't count the lymphocytosis (chronic lymphocytic leukaemia) I've been suffering from for 15 years now, which is getting exponentially worse (one day I'll tell you about that, too - anyhow, as of today, I've only had regular checkups and no therapy, because it hadn't gotten to the point where it should be treated. But it looks like we're getting there now, because of course, just what I needed 😫). Now I have a second doppler booked for February 23rd, to see how my thrombosis is evolving - and I'll have to take another one in June, for the doctors to adjust my therapy if needed. Plus new bloodwork in two weeks to see how the lymphocytosis is faring - the numbers MIGHT go down, because that's how this illness works...but they have almost doubled in a month and a half, and now I'm scared of maybe having to start therapy for it soon, too 😒.

So...this is how I said goodbye to the already disastrous 2020 and rang in 2021. Just peachy, huh?


In other news...

πŸ“š Reading. ALL the books I ordered arrived, even the two that couldn't be located at first (the vendor made a second attempt and it worked out well! I can't believe it! I've been wanting to read And All The Stars by Andrea K. HΓΆst and Dead in Time by Anna Reith for AGES. Only good piece of news of the year so far...). I've read all the Seanan McGuire/Mira Grant ones so far, and while Into the Drowning Deep was "bloody" excellent (ha!), the other two (Across the Green Grass Fields and Over the Woodward Wall) were nice, but not special. I'm also waiting on a surprise package from my lovely friend Carrie, who generously decided to buy me a couple of second-hand, otherwise unobtainable Christopher Pike books for Christmas, except they're still in mail limbo. Speaking of books...

πŸ“ Blogging. ...I've been requesting a bunch of titles from NetGalley/Edelweiss (mostly before the medical nightmare began), and I'm probably lucky that I only got a handful. What with my health concerns and all the other real-life issues, I've been stuck on the same review for weeks (and here it's a book I loved). As of now, I have 2 books I've already read to draft a review for, and 2 more I haven't opened yet because I need to review the other ones first. The reading part goes wonderfully...until I have to set to work on a review. I'm tired, unfocused, and the days seem to fly without me accomplishing nothing. And...I'll have to make peace with the fact that I won't be able to read all these books twice before I review them πŸ˜₯. Also, I wanted to apologise if my content has been less appealing than usual (I mean, is my "usual" appealing? LOL) lately. I know that very few of my regular readers like sci-fi, plus my blog is supposed to be a YA one, except these latest weeks I've been approved for a number of sci-fi AND adult books and very little else (and believe me, I DID request a number of YA titles). Also, most of them are coming out in a short time span, so I have to review them back to back, which explains why Offbeat YA has turned into an adult speculative fiction blog lately πŸ˜‚. Sorry about that - it's only temporary though!

😫 Failing. Since I started working regularly again, I've been falling behind on everything - especially during all the medical appointment frenzy, but not only. Monday to Friday I try to survive and I put aside all the stuff that doesn't fit for the weekend...except the weekend is never going to be long enough for half of it to get done. Also, don't get me started on my supposed "studies" for the infamous 2022 public examination. I barely started READING the source material, and it goes over my head - not to mention, the last weekend of January I didn't read a single page of it, because I was sick and tired of all the medical drama and I didn't feel like poisoning my only two free days with "municipal accounting and financial order" on top of everything - and the first two weekends of February I did very little because I had errands. Here I should be studying like a madwoman if I want to stand a chance...and yet 😟. The truth is, I don't think I can make it - and yet I desperately need to make it. But I'm too old and tired and my life is too messed up. Studying for a public examination is for the young and the free, the ones who don't have a disabled husband and a bunch of medical problems and a house that's falling apart at the seams - and well, a blog they need to keep alive because it's the only good thing in their life, but they struggle to because of the aforementioned things. Too much stuff on my plate, and I'm 54. I'm only fooling myself.


Please forgive me for this depressing post, but sometimes you just need to vent out and...basically, you can't help it. I'll try to crawl out of this hole of despair, I swear. In the meantime, brace yourself for a couple more adult sci-fi book reviews (sorry - I still love you! 😘), and if you can hold on tight until March, bloggy things will start getting back on track by then. OK, so, this is it. And thank you for listening...believe me, it means a lot πŸ’š.

26 comments:

  1. Venting is good. You should do it even if not in a blog. People shouldn't keep the bad stuff inside.

    I hope you'll get better real soon so you can get back to doing what you love.

    Have a lovely day.

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    1. I barely have someone to vent to in real life, so I'm glad I have my blogging friends at least! Thank you πŸ’›.

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  2. OH Roberta. First - Never apologize to us for taking care of yourself and your life. You should always put that above the blog. I remember reading about the fever, but not the rest of it. I'm glad that you are doing okay - what a scary experience. Hopefully this will heal and you will stay healthier. *gentle hugs*

    As for blogging, if you want to try to keep up with some of it, what if you try doing some shorter posts when you finish a book? Instead of a full out review, just let us know what you read and if you liked it?

    Finally, I don't know about the public exam, but I do turn 50 next week, and I understand your exhaustion. See where your journey takes you - maybe in another month once you've rested and healed some, the material will make more sense?

    Good luck and big hugs!

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    1. Us bloggers do apologise a lot, don't we? πŸ˜‰ The fact is, blogging is the only good thing in my life, and I need/want it to remain at the best possible level. I do post mini-reviews, but I feel the need to write full ones later. Sometimes it's hard work, but when they're done, I'm proud of what I accomplished, and I'm glad I was able to (maybe) help the authors of those books. I'm still sorry for the string of sci-fi reviews you all have been subjected to lately LOL - but I do hope someone somewhere is reading them at least.

      The examination thing is another can of worms. Next year there should be an opening for two positions as municipal clerks (administrative assistants) in the "social policies" and "culture and tourism" departments...and the subjects ALL involve law stuff - how a municipality works, municipal accounting and financial order, privacy regulations, you name it. I HATE all of them, especially because you mostly have to learn the material by heart. And there's no amount of resting that can make me ready for it - especially since my home situation is complicated. I'm trying to come up with a plan, but it's hard.

      I do appreciate all your suggestions though, and your support πŸ’š. Happy birthday in advance BTW!

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  3. ((HUGS)) Roberta! That's scary. I am most bothered by how long they waited to do the scan. What if it was worse? Hang in there, buddy!

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    1. The scan should have been performed on the spot...I mean, pulmonary embolism is something you can DIE of. I suppose that, when I started to feel better, they thought it wasn't something that required immediate attention - but doctors should know better than that...

      Thank you for the hugs πŸ’›. I'm trying!

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  4. Oh Roberta, I'm so sorry this happened to you. But thank goodness it was caught in time. I hope you get better soon and I am sending you all the good vibes!

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  5. Ugh, my goodness. I'm sorry you're having such a hellish year already. 😒 Sending lots of positive thoughts for good test results and a quick return to health. Please don't worry about your blogging! It's unbelievably hard to do everyday things when your body is fighting you at every step. You are absolutely NOT fooling yourself about that exam. You can change the direction of your life at any age--but perhaps it's just not the right time, with everything else going on. You can always leave it for now and come back to it later. I hope you get some time to rest and recover and just enjoy reading. You deserve a break.

    W/r/t your books, I submitted a request to BWB just this morning asking about your package. It's been 37 business days, so it definitely should have been there by now. I don't expect they'll be able to do much without international tracking, but at least they're aware of it. If they refund it, we may have to start all over, but I will not give up! I'll let you know as soon as I know more. πŸ’› I'm always here if you need someone to talk to, whether it's for venting, moral support, distractions, etc. I promise it's never a bother. Keep hanging in there, lovely.

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    1. "You can always leave it for now and come back to it later."
      The fact is...any time would be wrong for me, what with...life in general. It's not so much about my health (right now I'm doing all right, also because the blood issue doesn't affect my body at all - lymphocytosis is a silent illness), as it's about not being able to keep up with all the things that I have to do/endure - and sure as hell I don't have time (and patience) for MORE on top of it. But on the other hand, I owe it to myself to try at least. Maybe I'll come up with a better plan than the one where I sacrifice my weekends...

      "W/r/t your books, I submitted a request to BWB just this morning asking about your package."
      It's a shame that they don't offer international tracking. I just hope you didn't spend your money for nothing, because how can they be sure you're telling the truth when you say I never received their package?

      "I'm always here if you need someone to talk to, whether it's for venting, moral support, distractions, etc. I promise it's never a bother."
      Thank you so much - I know you mean it! Now I only need to avoid your migraine days LOL πŸ’š.

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  6. Roberta!! I did not know about ALL of this! I knew about the initial pain then the diagnosis but not the shaking and everything else. You have a lot on (your already full) plate.

    No need to apologize. I have next to nothing going on and I still can't get it together lol

    If you ever need to vent I'm here to listen or send you judgmental cat pictures or silly dog ones lol

    Karen @ For What It's Worth

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    1. I knew you weren't aware of the situation, what with being scarce on Twitter lately. And thank you! I'll take up on your offer, should the need arise - and those pictures are always welcome LOL.

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  7. I am so, SO sorry to hear that you have been going through so much. Like everyone before me said, please don't apologize for letting it out! It's so cathartic to get it all off your chest, and we are here to listen! Sending you so much love and tons of good thoughts for good results ♥♥

    As for blogging and reading and such, if you want to do it for a distraction, definitely do! But don't feel ANY pressure at all! Publishers and review books are NOT more important than your health, and your friends and readers will all still be here when you feel more up to it (and anyone who isn't isn't worth your time anyway).

    As for the exam, I cannot imagine how overwhelming that must feel at the moment. Is there any way that you can take a bit of a step back just for a little while, and see if perhaps things settle a bit? (I don't really know how the schedule of things works, so I am not sure if this is a viable option.) And then you can reassess when things have hopefully calmed down a bit, and you are maybe in a better mindset for it? Wishing you ALL the best though, and please don't hesitate to reach out if you want to talk! ♥♥

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    1. Thank you Shannon - it means a lot to me that you took the time to write such a long comment, even if we don't talk on what one could call a daily basis πŸ’š. As for the exam, I don't have any schedule - only a vague "should be held in 2022" point of reference. But if one wants to have a chance, they should study with a level of seriousness (and I should have started EONS ago, as a matter of fact). And illnesses apart, it's not like I'm ever in the right mindset, what with the mess my life always is. Anyhow, I'll see what I can do. Thank you for the good wishes and for your kind offer! I know you have your own set of problems, so it's nice that you made it anyhow πŸ’›.

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  8. Roberta this has been a journey! I am so sorry about your health woes. You are not failing - you've got so much going on! How is studying going? Was your exam in the spring or did I misremember?

    Take care lovely.

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    1. Ha! It was indeed. And I still have the blood issue to be afraid of.

      The public examination I wanted to take "should" be held at some point next year. The fact is, I'm sure there are people who are studying ferociously and have probably been preparing for a long time. And here I can't even seem to find the time to rest and keep up with the house and life in general...

      Thank you! I'll do my best πŸ™‚.

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  9. You have been going through a lot. Hopefully your health starts getting better and you'll feel better. To be fighting something for 15 years is incredible.

    Read what you want. My blog name makes no sense when it comes to some of the things I read anymore. lol I never thought I would have my blog this long anyway. Read and review what you want.

    Don't worry about venting, we all have to sometimes. Please feel free to reach out to me anytime you need someone to talk to.

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    1. Thank you Mary! This means a lot to me.

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  10. Sending lots of love Roberta <3 I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

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  11. Vent away! I'm so sorry that 2021 started on such a sucky track... Hopefully it turns around soon! I've got everything crossed for you that your health improves and things work out with the exam... Even if working out means you decide to not go forward with it (though I hope you do - I'm sure you can do it.)

    I wouldn't worry about what books you're reading and reviewing either. Most blogs I follow float around genres as sometimes people need a break from their "regular" reading. My blog is a random mish-mash of book genres and I'm not even a little bit sorry. :)

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    1. Thank you - I need every bit of encouragement I can get now LOL.

      "My blog is a random mish-mash of book genres and I'm not even a little bit sorry. :)"
      Ha! I need to learn your secret πŸ˜‰.

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  12. Gosh I'm sorry about all your medical issues, that sounds like a nightmare. I'm glad it didn't turn out worse though, what with that first doctor really dropping the ball. I'm sure your readers are ok with some adult sci-fi, you should be able to read and review what you want! I can imagine how hard it must be to study when you've got so much else to deal with. I hope you can make it with your studies ❤️ And yes, sometimes you do just need to vent. I hope things start getting better for you 🀞

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    1. If the first doctor had an ounce of common sense, he should have suspected an embolism right away...and it only took a CAT scan to confirm it. I can say I got lucky.

      Thank you - I shouldn't feel guilty for deviating from my blog mission for a while, right? πŸ˜‰

      I've dropped my studies for now. I'll try again later...that's the plan at least LOL. Thank you for all your good vibes and support! πŸ’š

      Delete
  13. Oh, wow! You have definitely not had an easy time of it. No one can possibly blame you for a little complaining! Praying that your health issues (and everything else) are solved soon!!

    Nicole @ Feed Your Fiction Addiction

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    1. Thank you! πŸ’› Things are, indeed, getting better.

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